Under Repair

Broken, shattered, but not beyond repair. Mentally scattered, drained, deeply pained, strained and emotionally wounded. Yet, still, I remain durable, curable, regardless of if I had someone willing enough to care. Heart in critical condition, blood lost, soul filled with a hint of frost, but once again, my optimism has been spared. And though I'm scared, guarded intensely, surrounded by a density of nerves, with a propensity to run at the first sign of stress, I realize that I have been blessed to receive all of the love I once shared. Even when I was left vulnerable, bare, paired with someone who didn't give a shit, left open and alone, I have felt love. And above anything, though fleeting, delivering continuous beatings to my ego, threatening to break my self-esteem, my spirit will forever redeem itself. Love is an emotion with the strength to conquer over the anger and hate, abated these feelings that could have been repressed in the depths of my heart. And instead of allowing myself to be devoured by relationships that have turned sour, I empower myself with the love once felt. And though my past battles have left me doubting my ability to handle being hurt again, I refuse to be scorned. Even with the heavy maintenance I require and my need for refurbishing, hope transpires, seeping through my pores. I will not transfix on the fact that I still have fixing in store. Rather, I'll divert my attention to the notion that once repaired, I'll be prepared to be better than I've ever been before.

Broken Shields

Shielded, hidden behind a cloud of lies, heavily protected by the disguise I wear as I cannot bear to bare my emotions. Embarrassed by my devotion to vulunerability as my optimism won't let me free, imprisoned my my own willingness to be possessed by naivete. Longing to live life bitterly, better yet, emotion free. Instead I'm trapped internally, wrapped in an eternity of hopeful wishes as beliefs. Though grief consequently follows, the hollowed piece of me filled with images of happy endings and greater tomorrows blurs my senses, lowers my defenses, sending me down the same hurtful path. Despite the guaranteed painful aftermath, I plaster a believable smile on my face, with my sensitivities and doubts cast away, shielded by my cloud of deceit, pretending to the outside world that everything's okay.

Digression

I digress. Forcing myself into progression, for it helps with digestion of all the bullshit that continues to fall into my possession. Disloyalty and dishonesty seems to be all that's surrounding me. But I won't allow people's lack of modesty to hinder my intellectual odyssey, for I am meant to discover bigger and better things. While others are strung out on all that's gold and green, I search for what's in between, benefiting from what exploration brings. And although others fight to hamper my success, the Lord has already confessed that I am destined for greatness. Therefore, I digress. Avoiding the ignorance meant to destroy my process, redirection from the blockade that attempts to barricade my victory, bypassing the misery that longs to accompany me. For I am free. Free to digress. Relieved of all distress, FUCK the human inventions of stress, mess caused by others will no longer burden me. Its hurting me, plaguing me like a disease. But I refuse to be displeased my your nonsense. No offense, but I am blessed. Therefore my achievements cannot be compressed by your detest. And this empowers me just enough to digress.

The Price of Freedom

Freedom, but its to my own demise, as I can't disguise that I'm secretly trapped in the compartments of my own mind. Redefining what it means to be contained cause though my body is free, my soul is restrained, estranged, as I can't escape my own thoughts, with this new-found freedom, my mind is lost, exhausted from the constant struggle of this tug of war that befuddles me. Caught between a dream and reality that I cannot decode. On the road to redemption, attempting to free myself from this condemned state that I continue to face.

Befuddled

Incessant game of cat and mouse, Constantly give and give and give all the while you repeatedly take Take TAKE. Until I'm just about to break, renounce my efforts and leave....bounce. And then you the smallest of things, rekindle my faith, revitalizing what I once believed was crushed, face flushed as I can't help but be flustered by theses circumstances, restraining my wishes to be demanding and command some sort of consistency. The constant struggle of juggling your desire to be distant, while close, it puzzles me. Befuddled by the ambiguous possibilities. Containing my hate of the instability. Forced to accept the disability our relationship faces, yet collapsing under the strain. I don't mean to complain but there's a limit to the amount of stress one can take, let alone maintain, and I'm teetering on the edge, shaking.

The Con Artist

The art of deception.
Altering one's perception,
creating a fallacious conception of one's self in efforts
to manipulate someone else.
Causing others to contemplate their values,
doubt themselves,
in lieu of the lies that someone else feeds them.
Extreme selfishness,
refusal to take heed of the distress caused.
Tangling victims in a web of fraudulence,
held hostage by dishonesty.
Constantly devising little white lies
to keep the disguise alive.
So caught in a sea of lies
that no one's longer capable of recognizing the truth,
hidden far behind the mask one wears.
Leaving despair amongst those
whose paths are crossed,
lost.
So doused in one's own trickery,
the primary believer of one's own invalidity.

Self-Control

Hand over mouth, pillow over eyes, holding in shallow gasps for air, attempting to silence her cries. She refuses to allow this confusion to obtain retribution on her mind. Sorrows refined, sadness hidden, for showing any signs of distress is forbidden. All animosity concealed, feelings of anxiety and apprehension is prohibited, and cannot be revealed. Fighting sensitivity as this girl has the propensity to succumb to the negativity that encumbers her soul. Thoughts of angst growing old, replaced with false feelings of complacence as she pretends to embrace the optimistic lifestyle. Outside she smiles though absolutely mortified, her positivity falsified as she cries on the inside. Her emotions aren't designed for these sort of lies. An amateur master of disguise as although one can sense the secrets she hides, no one can't fathom what...or why. Overcome with pride, she repudiates everyone's attempts to help, pry. Personal venting unestablished, denied. Admitting defeat means being victimized by the demons of her own mind. Instead, emotions are repressed, barricaded, ignored, dictated, and a facade of nonchalance is created. An image of serenity displayed, composure and tranquility portrayed, blanketing the torment that's hidden away.

Confessions of A Bruised Soul

I've got to drop these insecurities, these impurities. Stop clinching to these past offenses, defensiveness fending off people with the best intentions. Allowing old negativity presence in the present tense. Why must I be such an emotional mess? Tear drops at the first sign of distress. Incapable of managing stress, borderline manic depressed as I confess the sorrow that rests behind this smile. Easily riled, sensitive as a child, devastation compiles as thoughts run wild, controlled insanity. Overcome with paranoia, expecting everyone to do me harm. Constant state of alarm, the littlest of things leave me armed, seeing red flags that do not exist, inappropriately pissed, afraid of being dissed, amidst an array of positivity, I focus solely on what's wrong. Panicked about being strung along, protecting myself from catching feelings strong. An extreme sense of doubt, terrified by the smallest of bouts, forcing myself into an emotional drought. Refusing to be enthralled or enticed, advising myself to dispel all possibility of being put through emotional hell. Heart draped in protective armor, false sense of not being destroyable, failing to realize that heartache is unavoidable. Treadmill effect as no matter how far I run from pain, I rely on the fact that it continues to return again. So used to being hurt, burned that I am unable to recognize a good thing. Blinded by scars that still sting, hoping one day that I'm capable of letting go of my inhibitions and openly embracing what tomorrow has to bring.

Mind Of A Counselor

Crazy spontaneity, uncertainty breaking me, breath-taking, longing for well considered decisions, heavy reliance compliance, transitions rendered as preconceived notions my mind envisions. Too concerned with destiny and over-analyzing whether or not this is how things are meant to be. Incapable of taking one step at a time, all situations must be defined, conflicts and concerns need to be mentioned, all actions must have an alternative intention, over-processing scenarios, my greatest form of heartache prevention. Ambition lost, Refusing to be driven by impulse.
Extreme superstition as inhibitions remain sustained in my brain, staining my ability to let life flow.
Needing to take things slow, fearful of the unknown, unable to blow through this wall of stone prohibiting my ability to live life carefree.

Life's Inconsistencies

Through the chaos dawns a moment of clarity,
a millisecond of mental therapy,
an instance of emotional sobriety,
a flash of propriety,
a harmonious feeling,
a temporary healing,
a brief sense of well-being.
Disorder fleeting,
pandemonium depleting,
peace restored
and turmoil floored.
Sweet beautiful bliss
of madness dismissed,
hostility removed,
happiness approved,
the heart soothed with quickness,
if only for a while.
A sincere smile,
a passing sense of worthwhile,
a transitory serenity
amongst an infinity of despair,
elation as this devastation
becomes hard to bear.
But in an instant its gone,
as if it was never there.

Love's Battlefield

When the courage to explore
conquers the fear of the journey,
true love can begin.
Bravery consists of the ability to travel forth
through tribulation and pain.
Triumphing through the frightening unknown
strengthens nerve, with spirit grown.
Individuals must possess perseverance unparalleled.
Those plagued with uncertainty and doubt
are inevitably dispelled.
Ambition requires reckless abandonment,
the cautious cannot survive.
The strong thrive,
the emotionally unstable are despised.
Boldness must burst through the seams,
devotion immense,
passion extreme.
Love is NOT for the weak-hearted.

My Only Love

Headphones on, volume up, I'm gone. Mesmerizing, the beauty of music, mind numbed as I succumb to its glory. Words pouring into the depths of my eardrums. Zoned out, enticed by its beautiful resonance. Release of stress, lyrics speaking to my soul, molding into the feelings I possess, verbalizing my story, reverberating what my mouth refuses to discuss. So powerful, its influence reconstructs my anatomy, becoming a piece of me, as its bass flows throughout my veins. Ridding me of all incongruity, nothing but harmony remains. Heart beat pulsating, blood racing as with every tremble it shatters my tense-filled casing. Utter relaxation, elimination of all thoughts of devastation as its vibrations synchronize with every breath I inhale. Respiration derailed with each gasp, its grasp upon me more vital than the air I breathe. Love's epitome, falling deep, abandonment of all discretion, overcome by obsession with music's melody.

Stormy Weather

Just smile,
for though the weather may be dreary,
brighter days approach in the morning.
It can only rain for so long.
Even the deepest floods evaporate with time.
The clouds that hover above are temporary.
Sunshine always appears after the darkest of storms.

Internal Struggle

Unspoken pain,
confessions of a tear-stained
love addict drained,
as constraining my disdain
and maintaining composure
gains difficulty.
Constant strain,
as thoughts of you
still remain.

Scarred

Broken-winged bird,
song of misery and sorrow
heard at the rise of dawn.
Victim to the cruelty
and mischief
of mankind.
Pained deep,
through her soul,
as her reason for being
had been destroyed.
Longing for flight and migration,
yearning for a fresh start,
handicapped by those
who have wronged her
in seasons past.

Infection

Fatal desires inspire my heart, passion spiraling out of control, boldly lust brushes across my soul, feeding my insides with yearning that sears through my spine. Blindsided by a wave of emotion fueled by tender devotion enticing my mind and spirit. Infatuation creating devastation in its path as its wrath plagues my essence of being. Disgraced at my willingness, an eager servant to LOVE and its power, longing to be showered with affection, losing all constraint as LOVE has no restraints, faint in the knees, as its strength leaves me helpless, weak. Victimized by its passion, forced to imagine happiness in every fashion. Diseased, as desires seep through my veins, infecting my bloodstream. Witness to homicide as LOVE murders the negativity, shredding it at the seams. Haunting my dreams, visions of holding hands and laughter, horrific disasters that infatuation has mastered my heart to have faith in. Once again LOVE wins as I can no longer compete, corrupted, my body succumbs to this beautiful defeat.

Torture

Eyes hazed, mind dazed, this current phase created by those who've betrayed me. Restless sleep as my soul slumbers deep but my hollow body lies wide awake. A paralyzed state ,trance, as disbelief dances mystically through my head. The living dead couldn't instill any more dread than what you've caused, lost as time continues to pause around me, haunting nightmares surround me. Drowning, suffering as Lady Luck keeps toughening her hatred of me. Disparity, as clarity seeps from my mind. Someone's vendetta, undefined, cursing my life, one disaster at a time. Losing faith as optimism is replaced by hopelessness ans distress. Why have I inherited this mess? While I confess that I haven't been the best, no one deserves this form of torture. NO cure in sight as surely events increasingly aggravate my plight. Somewhere something went wrong, too cushioned by fantasies of everything going right. Now everywhere I turn, grudges are being formed, bridges left burned. I'm a prisoner caught, undeniably distraught as these demons cannot destroyed, or fought.

Definition of Love

I know I haven't posted anything "non-poetic" on here in a while but a good friend of mine raised an important topic that sparked my interest. She determined that people nowadays are using the word "love" too loosely. And I completely agree. Hell, I admit I'm one of those people. I too have used "loving someone" and "being in love with someone" interchangeably. Too many people are getting the concept of love and infatuation confused. Dictionary.com defines infatuation as "foolish or all-absorbing passion." I couldn't agree with this definition more. People embark in relationships fueled solely on foolish passion alone, and label having "passion" for one another as being in love. But what happens once that passion dies out? People realize that it wasn't love after all. I feel like people don't understand the meaning of the word anymore. They just throw it out there because it SOUNDS good.Everyone wants to be in love, but not everyone understands what being in love entails. Too many people are just in love with the idea of being in love. Being in a relationship and being in love are two things that seemingly go hand in hand. Most don't realize that they are two separate entities. Being in a relationship is meant to help people find love together, but that love is something that must be built. It's extremely rare for people to enter a new relationship already in love with one another. It seems like people don't realize the difference between "loving someone" and being "in love with someone."I can't sit here and pretend that there is some universal definition or code for being in love. It's a feeling that has different characteristics for different people. But I can sit here and say that people these days don't know what love is NOT. The "love" that people are basing their relationships off of nowadays has no strength behind it. It gets relationships nowhere. It has no sense of devotion behind it. "Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person." And that's just it. Love these days have no intensity, NO loyalty. Next time I say I'm in love with someone, it will mean that I am intensely dedicated and devoted to making the best out of our relationship. And if that's not what you mean when you say it in return....then you might as well just not say it to me at all.

Clouded Judgment

Plagued with negativity, cursed with the propensity to approach opportunity defensively. Immensely perturbed by the notion that happiness undisturbed no longer exists.Sheer bliss once experienced as kids suffers extinction,dismissed, as madness of adulthood commences. Drowning in trenches of tears expelled over the years as the inability to maintain positivity continuously breathes life into reoccurring fears. Self-obstructing my pathways to success. Opening professing the counterintuitive nature of pessimism yet hypocritically obsessing over my contentment with anti-optimism. Unable to possess the strength needed to face the demons impeding my progress, embedded in my mind, brainwashing me into believing negativity is fine, in fact desired as positive emotions no longer transpire from my soul. I imagine having a heart this cold is unhealthy as negativity refuses to unfold itself from my veins, intertwined so deep that doubt seeps into my blood, uncertainty fueling my clouded heart.

A Liar's Wrath

beautiful lies.
mistrust disguised.
honesty hidden deep inside.
truth that cries to be unleashed.
madness that refuses to cease.
thought we had tamed this beast.
And yet she lives on.
stronger than before,
yearned for our destruction and pain.
Tell me what's to gain?
I'm stressed and drained,
my heart can't maintain this strain.
Please refrain
from your vicious attacks and deceit.
I cannot compete with being victimized
as you fail to realize
the devastation you cause.
with every lie you continue to recite.

Kindergarten Crush

You utter the most angelic things,
Leave my stomach fluttering, face blushing,
flustering over my words and thoughts.
Caught up beyond lust,
feeling prepubescent,
crush as pure as in adolescence,
reverted back to giddy innocence
of childhood.
Just a kiss and a smile
makes me feel so good,
drives me wild.