Scared of Love

When it comes to love, I think that there are two types of people-people who embrace love, and those who run away from it. I am someone that has learned to embrace it. I realize that there is no need to deny love because you cannot keep it from happening. This time, once I convinced myself to embrace love, love decided that he was not ready to embrace me. I think this has to with the fact that I have been in love before so I know what to expect. The loss of control is a feeling that I have learned to embrace. For me, the constant thoughts and dreams are routine. The aching, yearning feeling to be with someone 24/7 is not foreign to me. I may not like the fact that my emotions are haywire, but I know that the feeling of being in love is better than any other feeling that I have felt. The loss of control becomes worth it once your heart succumbs to sincere love for someone. For a person that is a virgin to being in love, the loss of control process may be too hard to bear. Some ppl are scared to have their heart care for someone else more than they care for themselves. Some ppl. rather be alone than be in love. This is what I think his problem was. He was just not ready to admit that he could possibly fall for me. So he ran away.

Something To Smile About...

It's amazing want one day can do to lift one's spirits. Yesterday was horrible. It was probably one of the worst days that I have experienced in long time. Everything was bothering me. I was stressed beyond belief. Yesterday morning I was a mess. Being so stressed yesterday made me realize that a lot of my stress was being created my being at BC. I made the decision that I just really wanted to be home. So I bought myself a ticket home for thanksgiving. YAY! And now I'm just really excited to go home and see my favorite person---MY LITTLE SISTER!!!!! And the thought of me being at home sooner than I had anticipated made me really really happy. I did not realize how much I missed being at home until I bought the ticket. I am really excited to see my little sister. My spirits have been lifted a little because now I have something to smile about.

Tears

I cannot subside the tears I cry no matter how hard I try. I can't refrain from feeling this pain. Can't put a veil over this well of water that flows down my face, as I have seemed to misplace the happiness that once graced my presence. I can't rid this sense of despair. I can't dare pretend not to care. To afraid to admit that I'm an emotion mess, stressed beyond any breaking point I thought I once possessed.My life's such a drag, bags under my eyes, a red face that cannot lie nor deny that I've been crying. Dying to know why it has to hurt this bad, make me feel this sad. Hard to imagine that something that took so long to make could break so easily. Wanted to have my cake and eat too, now I have neither my cake nor you. Wondering selfishly, why didn't you try harder to make this work with me?! Angrily cursing you out. Tell me why did you have to doubt what we had? Trying so hard not to be mad, but was I really that bad?! While I smiled, glad that I found someone worthwhile, someone that makes me happy, genuinely sappy, thanking God for finally sending me someone that was good to me, you longed for more and left me in misery. It's wrecking me emotionally, but I don't want you to see how much this is damaging me. I wish I could shut down my heart, secretly hoping that these tears I cry would hurry up and dry. But I realize that these tears will not subside no matter how hard I try.

Broken Emotions

Confused, mentally abused as I refuse to believe that this is happening to me. How can this be? I actually started believing that I could be happy. But of course happiness is just a figure of my imagination, an imitating me, giggling and laughing, thrilled that there in no longer a we, only you and I as I cry wondering where is all came from, trying to decide if I'm stupid or just plain dumb not to see this coming, just assuming that everything was fine as you died inside and longed for a way out. Now I doubt if you were ever happy in the first place, fake smile on your face, pretending that everything was okay when it's not. So you finally let it out and my insides experience a drought as every liquid leaks from me in the form of tears,emotions so deep, one would think we were together for years. I grow dreary because I can't seem to understand what seems to have went wrong, even though I act as is I've known it all along, the reality is that it really caught me off guard. I try to be strong, but I can't stop the flood of tears, eyes bloodshot, shearing red. Now I dread even hearing the sound of your voice. I wonder if we could ever be friends again. Instinctively, I say yes, I could pretend that our relationship never started so that our friendship won't end. But then again, It's so damn hard. I can't stand being around something I had but could never have, this is more than the aftermath of a broken fling, a summer thing that blossomed into to something more. This was the makings of something that had been building for years, tiers upon tiers, only to have our building torn apart. Now I'm left with a broken heart and broken emotions and my devotions once again put me to shame and leave me in severe pain.

Infatuation

INFATUATION: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion.

One defines infatuation as unreasoned passion. They fail to describe the true feelings that being infatuated imply. A burning desire, an ignited fire that refuses to die. Emotions floating on high, in a daze, caught in a maze that began with a crush and ends in love.

I feel that being infatuated may be harder to deal with being in love. When one is in love, he or she has already accepted the fact that their heart belongs to someone else. When one is infatuated, he or she has to come to terms with the fact that they are slowly but surely losing control of their emotions. Once control is lost, there is only a matter of time before that person loses ownership of their own heart. And for people like me, who have been hurt plenty of times before, it is very hard to allow someone else to have control of your heart. I can feel myself slowly losing control of my heart and it is very hard for me to come to terms with this. I have willingly given my heart away in the past and in the end I found myself by myself, picking up the pieces. But I will not speak any more on that, I try not to be bitter. But anyways, I made a vow to myself that I would not willingly allow myself to get hurt. Both times that I have allowed infatuation to develop into love, I ended up in tears. Sadly, I have begun to associate love with heartbreak, which leaves me very suspicious about falling in love again. But I know that I cannot allow previous mistakes to keep me away from a possible future of happiness. So, I guess I'm trying to say that I did not think being infatuated would be this difficult. It kind of makes me want to run away. I hate being this vulnerable. I mean, I don't want to seem like I'm running away from love, but maybe I kind of am, because I have experienced much it can hurt. So instead of admitting the fact that I can see myself being in love with someone, I choose not to even think about it. Living day by day as we like to call it. Now, I have this yearning inside that I'm starting to realize that I cannot hide and you can't really keep yourself from being in love because it's really hard to hide how you feel. Damn this infatuation.

Addiction (Old)

I'm addicted, it's like some kind of drug
falling deeper into it, I can't get enough
I try to let go, but it's hold on me is too tight
so I continue to cling on to this addiction,
even though it's not right.
I attempt to take my mind off of it,
but it continues to creep into my blood.
I've tried so many times, but I just can't quit,
so I continue to feed my addiction, even though its no good.
I let it take over me, although I know I shouldn't.
I figure, I'll give it up later, although I know I couldn't.
I say I'll get tired of it eventually, although I know I wouldn't.
So now I'm breathing it in, floating on its high.
no longer worried about overdosing, it feels too good when I'm this buzzed.
Then I realize, this isn't a drug, this is love.

Dreams

Daunting, haunting me through the night.
Now I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Vivid, descriptive images,
that I take of you to bed.
Don't lay down, I tell myself,
because you invade my mind when I sleep.
It's bad enough I think of you when I'm awake,
must you entice me while I slumber deep?
Too hard to hide in my sleep,
feelings that my heart does not wish to show.
Too hurtful when I wake up,
and realize the falseness of the images as they go.
Too disappointing to admit,
the beautiful visions that I've seen,
Unrealistic for me to want,
Of you what I had in my dreams.
So I lie awake at night,
to avoid what is true,
Don't want my dreams to let me know,
that I'm completely in love with you.
Because as soon as I close my eyes,
images of you appear.
And my dreams let me see
what my heart seems to fear.
I'd rather lose hours of sleep,
than dream of all the opportunities with you I miss,
I'd rather have you in real life,
than in my dreams like this.

Lesson Learned (Old)

It's like the sadness never ends. As I rid myself of one pain, more madness begins, and I wonder "can we really ever be more than friends?" At one point in time I thought that we can be, but then you turned around and hurt me, had me crying silently, wiping tears quietly, ashamed that you had me crying over the same thing constantly. Blaming myself for the pain, swearing that I'll never let you hurt me again. I'm supposed to be too strong to cry over a man. Sick of going through the same cycles, me sitting around idle waiting for your call that never comes, thinking that I must be dumb to succumb to tired lines you gave, knowing that I must be brave and face the grave thought of living a life without you. Knowing that I had to make it through, and realize that the bullshit you fed me wasn't true, stop listening to what your heart wants me to do. Start doing things that benefit my heart, no longer letting you you tear me apart. So no more am I settling for less, tired by all the stress you caused me, blessed that I finally took the time to realize, that you are just like other guys, all that time you wore a disguise. And all the while I played the fool, making you look cool because over you I would drool when you wouldn't do the same thing in return. So I'm taking a queue from Usher and letting in burn. From now on. you are no longer my concern. I'm taking back my love that you didn't earn, and I'll take the shit you put me through as another lesson I had to learn.

The Weather In Me (Old)

Soft wind blows over me,
caresses me
like a gentle breeze, reminds me of the finer things,
like what happiness used to mean and what happiness used to bring
before I became a citizen in the land of the deceived.
Sun rays beam through me,
showing me how warmth is supposed to feel,
kind of like when love is real
and it pumps through the veins,
hot enough to melt the heart
even though its been torn apart.
A tornado picks me up ,
releasing me from the negativity
that has taken control of me,
binding me to the harsh reality that I know as pain.
Rain pours on me,
a new since of purity,
Seeps through me,
gluing together the broken pieces of my heart.
Can I really start with a clean slate?
Given a new chance with a new heart
thats too durable to break.
Hail falls down upon me,
breaking my tough girl facade,
peeling away this image thats not really me,
exposing me to be
the real me,
shining with love and sensitivity.

No More (Old Writing)

No more need to cry,
because you lied.
The tears on my pillow have dried,
and now I can hold my head up with pride.
No more need to be stressed.
I can honestly say I tried my best,
I realize that you were less,
but it's no need to look back and regret.
No more doubting love,
and what it's made of,
you were just a bad example.
But I live on,
and I grow strong.
Tasting what life has to sample.
No more holding back,
making excuses for what you lack,
waiting for you to learn how to act.
I must follow my own track.
Now I define my own happiness,
separated from your madness.
You have officially been dismissed.
No more reason to feel hostile,
You're just at the bottom of my pile.
Now I'm the reason I smile.
I don't need you to feel worth while.

Misunderstood

Misunderstood. Seen as an emotional wreck because my eyes are constantly decked in tears. Tears of stress as I try my best at everything I try. A mess, because people take this stress as a sign of weakness. Weakness that has progressed because I constantly try to hold this stress inside. Hoping that it dies the longer I hold it inside. But the longer I hold it inside, the more strenuous the cry because no matter how hard I fight, this stress refuses to die. This stress blossoms into pain as I struggle to maintain my composure. A visible pain that overpowers my soul. I feeling that I can no longer hold inside. Many people mistake this pain as weakness because they forget the amount of strength it takes to endure this type of pain. Sorry that I can't restrain the pain. Sorry that you mistake this pain for weakness but I'm only human and there's only so much pain that I can allow to bring strain on my life. After I while I have to fight back, and I the only way I know how to attack is with massive display of tears. And after the tears there comes a ray of happiness because I was able to release my stress. I'm sorry if this makes me a mess, categorizes me as an emotional wreck, but after I wipe away my deck of tears, I realize that I am stronger than I was before.