It's Complicated...

This is the biggest disaster. Thought I had mastered the art of hidden desires, captured the skill of masking attraction. So then why does this infatuation burn so? Smiles frozen on my face, butterflies settling ever so in place, resting in the pit of my stomach. Heart plummeting further with each day that passes, with every conversation that lasts beyond the break of the sun. Told myself I wouldn't allow myself to run with this, now I'm feeling nothing short of bliss, pissed that I cannot resist. Despite myself, it seems that I'm falling in like....I'm supposed to be on love strike, this isn't what I wanted, too haunted by relationships gone and friendships lost, traumatized by the costs of feelings caught, companionship ruined and once solidified connections, now distraught. But you understand my personality, match my sense of humor perfectly, embrace my awkward sense of beauty, accept the weirdness that is me. Causes my heart to radiate with laughter, but I fear the consequence of this moving any faster. For I am still a wreck, a mess, damaged, distressed. I can't manage the stress that comes with being involved, my heart still dissolved in madness unresolved. Can't rely on you to defy the odds, fix the pieces, rid me of past grievances. I must heal on my own. Too stubborn, stuck on being solo. Lone. Therefore protected from ever being disrespected ever again. Refusing to mend. Isolated from all. But still you continue to crush through this wall, exposing my interior, vulnerability at its best, feeling inferior, my insecurity clinching on for dear life. I fear baring my soul, but you refuse to retreat. I warn you, loving me is no cinching feat.

I'm Finally Famous,
but I been Phaymus,
too dedicated to waste time away aimlessly.
Advancing daily,
elevating beyond your wildest belief.
Leaving the bullshit behind,
turning over a new leaf.
Tired of niggas being constantly stuck on the past.
Fuck that,
I'm about making my future last.
Refusing to be trapped
in the same tired ass routine.
I'm devoted to developing my destiny.
Making a Statement, creating a new MOVEMENT.
hop of the bandwagon, and join the improvement.

All Sides Of Me

Jeans right,
Dunks bright,
fitted sitting on top of the fro.
High-top Chucks and sweats,
hoodie zipped, ready to go.
Pants high-waist,
boots laced,
slid right above the thigh.
Dress tight,
make-up light,
heels four inches high.
Hair curled,
ears pearled,
Shorts hanging to the knee.
True to myself, I'm whoever I want to be,
So don't be surprised when exposed to EVERY side of me.

The Exorcism

Hidden dreams, clouded by visible nightmares.
In dire need of strength,
Praying to God,
please awaken me from this despair.
Fearful of sleep, constant avoidance
of the demons that creep
throughout the crevices of my mind.
Searching for this guardian angel of mine,
but this so called savior,
I cannot find.
Seems that I'm forced to face this struggle alone.
Somehow I must conjure the courage
to defeat this battle on my own.
Now as I rest my head upon this pillow
and drift off into this place called hell,
I am determined,
these monsters must be dispelled.
Preparing myself
for the toughest of confrontation
Out these spirits must be cast.
In order to embrace beautiful dreams,
I must rid myself of the evils
that continue to haunt my past.

Under Contruction

I am UNDER CONSTRUCTION,
In desperate need of reproduction,
unsatisfied with what I have become to be.
Architecture of a better me,
Development of a peaceful self,
Amplification of my self-wealth,
existing in and outside the realms of my mind.
Ridding of the disparity it once confined,
Relying on gratification to take its place.
Creating a self-image that I can embrace,
Finding a way to happiness, redefined.
Welcoming the woman I will become, in due time,
STRONG and POWERFUL, beauty redesigned.

Other Ppl's Happiness

Not a poem [SHOCKER!] but I feel the need to express myself. Whenever I'm feeling down and out, or a little bit distressed, I feed positively off other people's happiness. I cannot begin to express the joy I feel for those who I appear to be happy. When surrounded by happiness and smiles I can't help but enjoy their happiness vicariously. It reminds me that sadness is just a temporary state of being that passes with time. Seeing other happy people let's me know that I to shall have my sheer happiness in due time. Whenever I have a bad day or two,the simple things, such as seeing an adorable picture of a happy couple or a couple holding hands on the train puts a big smile on my face, almost as if their joy is contagious. It's rare for me to be around positive people and not catch on to their positivity. It pisses me off when people who are feeling down feel the need to ruin other people's happiness, as if the whole world should revolve around the fact that they are sad. I feel that happiness is a wealth that should be shared as much as possible. So if you see me around and I appear to a little down and out, send a smile my way, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Breath Of Fresh Air

Stress relieved, I can't complain, as happiness resonates through me. I am finally free. Feelings of pride derived as I stride with my head held high. No need to sigh as life gets better each day that passes by. Can't be broken down, so don't you dare try. Breath of fresh air as with a wish and a prayer all signs of sadness are replaced. Cleansed, renewed, washed of all disgrace. Feeling brand new. Developing into a better person, far more improved. Watch out, I'm not the girl I used to be and may no longer be the girl you used to know. While others are frozen in time, I continue to blossom and grow.

Shhh.....

Don't say a word. Feelings project louder when felt, not heard. Don't utter a single phrase. Let us embrace the moment and be amazed. Silence, don't make a peep. Unspoken words travel further deep. Close your mouth and let conversation travel down south. Just hush, and for once let our bodies discuss. Expression is at its best, the longer we're undressed.

Throwing In The Towel

On the borderline of insanity, disgusted with the vanity that you possess. How dare you be peachy keen, supreme while I'm nothing short of a mess. I must confess this hurts, deeply so. You hold on, ever so loosely, hindering my ability to let go. As soon as I'm able to progress you find a way, ever so simply, to fuck with my mind. Idiotic as I devoted too much time, pissed that while I obsessed, you easily dismissed. Damn how could I have missed you intensely while you ignored me immensely. This grasp I have upon you gets more difficult to bare as I become less convinced that you care. No one deserves this despair. How drastically far we've come from the love we used to share. I refuse to be strung along, sprung off someone that does not believe my all is enough. One can only take so much emotional abuse, I am not known for being that tough. So congratulations, soon the victory will be yours, you will win. A couple more low blows and I'll be forced to throw the towel in.

Get's No Better

I'm a slender piece of tenderness. I promise you it gets no more splendid as this. All you could ever want at your disposal, yet you still chose to dismiss. I hope you're reminiscing on all the love you might miss. Something this amazing only comes once in a lifetime, one's soul-mate is truly hard to find. Maybe one day you'll find a replacement that's nearly as divine. Or maybe you'll realize that greatness was in front of you all along and only insanity justifies denying a love this strong. Pray that I won't be long gone if you do discover that you were wrong. Or suffice with the fact that you may have ruined your chance of partaking in a sincere and loving romance. I truly hope one day you'll see that most worthwhile experiences don't come easy, and you'll appreciate the difficult but loving relationship you shared with me.

Self-Motivation

Nothing's gonna take away my sunshine. Fighting off unhappiness daily with this smile of mine. All strenuousness disappears in due time. All hard work pays off at the end of the climb. Realizing that being joyful is not a crime. I'm too pretty to frown. Too much ahead of me to feel down. This caring girl has plenty of love to go round.

What I Wonder When My Mind Wanders...

I've been thinking lately. Deciphering what inspires me. Tired of patiently waiting, meditating, looking for something thoroughly motivating. Realizing that too much time's passing, nothing's truly everlasting, can't waste life procrastinating, too busy contemplating what someone else should or should not have done when I should be the one analyzing what I haven't accomplished in relation to what I still need to do. Instead of worrying about you, I should be looking out for self. In this selfish world there's no time to waste on anyone else. But the mind does what it wants and my thoughts played the fool because on a consistent basis the basics of my thoughts revolved around you....that is until now, but now my heart's unbound and now I seek the pleasures found with being with one's self. I desire happiness that evolves around me, the joys that accompany being free. Living each day dangerously, as careless as I want to be, Allowing the little things to make me smile. Realizing that its the minor things that tend to be worthwhile in the end, like making new friends or enjoying a good laugh, indulging oneself with a bubble bath or two. Life's too short to feel blue. The future is uncertain so no one can be certain to what time will bring. No need to focus on the negative things that somewhere far yonder. These are a few of the things I wonder whenever my mind wanders....

Chasing Desires

Thrust into a difficult matter, toggling between beauty and disaster. The master of getting a broken heart. Sometimes all I want is a fresh start, but something urges me to look back and I resort to exactly what I know, a bruised love that I can't let go. Torn, I can't force myself to turn the page. In this day and age I'm comforted by the familiarity. A fan of clarity, fearful of uncertainty, being vulnerable to someone hurting me. But then again that someone could be you. How can I be certain your feelings are true? What we have could be magical, theatrical, another love never known to be this real. Or is it surreal, a false ordeal you created because you could. A conniving con artist that's just that good. But I've had a taste of how your love could be. Nothing dare matches its beauty. Marvelous enough to be worth the scrutiny. Only an idiot would pass the opportunity to be adored so thoroughly. So blindly I'll march through this fire, drawn by the need to catch what I desire.

Hopelessly Swept

How naive of me to continue falling constantly. Shame on me as I can blame no one but me. For eternity I have yearned for thee patiently. Debating whether or not that tender spot in my heart would mend before I allowed you another chance to bruise it once again. I have desired for you to aspire to fill the void that you left. I have witnessed the theft of my heart as it was no longer enough for you to tear it apart. You made it your mission to make sure it could never beat for another as I eagerly refused to run for cover, excited for the delight you bring, enabling it to mask the pain. And you're doing it again. When I finally thought I was strong enough to say no you rush along urging for us to let the madness go, start anew, grant you the opportunity to drag me through more scrutiny. Hopelessly swept off my feet as you confess feelings so deep, happily strung along, forgetting all that has gone wrong, veiling the abrasions, bandaging the scabs, praying you don't give me another reason to bleed.

Fallen Angel

She's a beautiful disaster the morning after, master of the walk of shame. Genius at this game, if there were a hall of fame, she'd be the next inductee. A mesmerizing disgrace as mascara and eye liner run down her face, yet she still manages to look lovely. Beyond and above thee although she still wears last night's clothes. Everyone knows what she's done but she holds her nose high, sporting her crumpled attire with pride. Though she can hear the whispers of her peers, she never breaks her stride. Fallen angel as her mind floods of imagines of her, him, sheets tangled, hair mangled in his hands, just a participant in her one night stand. Her bed ridden hair generates multiple stares tell that she'd gone for a ride, not that she'd dare deny. This wolf cries no lies, neither does she try to disguise what she has done as she marches bravely towards her room.

Just A Thought

Life is to short to resort to such madness, embrace the pain. Too busy frowning to realize that a smile is more worthwhile. Anger leaves to nothing to gain. Hatred is too strong of a feeling, find a better way of dealing with your stress. The sun shines too bright to be trapped inside negativity that bleeds as dark as night.

Case Of The Ex

Surprised that I still feel butterflies whenever your name crosses my mind. A beautiful nightmare that I should have known would bring about despair and yet I still chose not to care. An unyielding desire that sparked an erupting fire whose smoke was not returned. A painfully yearning, sinfully burning addiction, devastating affliction, heavily doped on the thought of love. A fatal attraction as I would have died trying to seek your satisfaction, still amazed by my dramatic reaction to your interest, distressed that I am still a mess every time you confess your feelings to me. Begging that you put my heart out of its misery. Refusing to fantasize about you and I in finer times, struggling against my need for reality and greed for optimism, often leading to a broken heart. Torn between wanting to work it out and knowing that we should be apart.

The Rain

I see the beauty in rain.
Standing in its glory, pouring down my skin.
A cool shower that covers me, clouds hover over me.
Soothing as it rolls, seeping into my soul.
Refreshing, a disguised blessing,
dressing itself as fearful weather,
secretly a treasure designed solely to heal.
Never knew beauty like this
each drop feels like a forbidden kiss sealing unconditional love.
Puddles gather deep as the sky weeps
tears people refuse to shed, a tortured soul,
destined to suffer the pain that others hold inside.
Nothing more powerful than these tears cried
Addressing the fears that others hide.

Smiling

Recently I've been feeling a little down and out, 0ver-analyzing about what things could have been but ceased to be. Constantly frowning about why my life has not been going my way. But I figure that there's no need to sit around drowning in negativity. I have so much going for me. No need to complain about spoiled milk, especially when God has been spoiling me in so many other ways. I have a beautiful family, and no matter how broken it may be, I'm glad that its the one I have. I'm blessed to have so many people out there caring about me. PLUS I'm practically a genius! Okay no not really but being able to maintain a 3.78 GPA at a prestigious college while being on a dance team with two jobs is a feat within itself. AND I have never wanted for anything in my life. Everything that I have wanted and needed (and even a few things I didn't want) I have been given easily. My mother and grandmother made sure of it. I have amazing friends that have stood by me, helping overcome all of the bullshit that I have faced in my life. I can't really ask for more than that. So instead of frowning on the few things that have not gone my way in life, I'm going to smile about the many things that have gone right and trust that everything that has not yet fallen into to place for me will eventually do so in due time :)

Masquerade

A Beautiful Masquerade. A deceiving facade that mesmerizes me into being played. Once again dismayed, as my heart has been betrayed, shattered. A disaster as I try and master the art of healing a bruised heart. Tired of all the bullshit disguised as nice guys. Is it too much to want to socialize with someone who has my best interest in mind? Now I may not be the finest, but I am kind. Too kind, blinded by the light that shines bright, bringing beauty to light and shadowing the evil that lurks close behind. Despite the effort I exert, the might I apply, I still seem to attract deceitful guys, driven by their one-tracked minds, equipped with the capability of capturing damsels distressing, believed to be a blessing, knights in shining armor, undeniably charming, using alluring personality as a disarming technique, bringing vulnerable girls to their knees. Optimistic girls like me, ones that believe in a fairy tale ending, Not realizing that I'm attracted to wolves in sheep's clothing.

They Say

The grass always greener on the other side. Or at least that's what's always said. But when I tried to take a peak at the other side, there was nothing but mud and flies. Take the time to stop and smell the flowers. Or at least that's what I'm always told. But when I took a sniff, they were unpleasantly sour. The early bird gets the worm, or at least that's what I hear. But even when I rise before the sunrise, they all have disappeared. To my dismay, things aren't always as "they say." That's why I find it's necessary to take the time to investigate matters for your self. Can't live your life based on the words of someone else.

Distorting Dreams

Lonely girl, trapped in a condescending world distorting dreams, screaming reach for the stars yet cautioning not to steer far from reality. Now she's lost, stuck somewhere in between, striving for success, all the while maintaining a pretty smile as authority tells her she's a pretty child but chances of her amounting to anything is pretty mild. Refusing to be devastated, she uses critism as motivation, destroying any doubts laid out, consisting of her amounting to nothing, buffering the sounds of those imposing on her dreams, seeking her demise, disguished as caring friends, pretending to give a shit about where she fits into society but honestly wanting her to fail. Despite lack of support, she sails, better yet she soars, sweeping past those who have held her back before, realizing that all the while they were disguished to benefit themselves and realistically she is by herself, all alone, trapped in a condescending world, expected to fend for her own.

In The Moment

Warm air brushes my ear as you whisper sweet nothings that sound so sincere, but I know are false. But I have nothing to lose, so I engage in this fantasy, taking in everything you're saying at all cost. It's a price that I'm willing to pay to stay in this extasy, refusing to wait another day though I could take my time, spend this moment with some other guy. Instead I'm stuck in this moment in time, soaking in your lies, mesmerized everytime you stare into my eyes. Caught in a trance, driven by the slight chance that words uttered in this moment may be true, allowing myself to be naive and believe the nothings that seem so real, soft lips that graze my cheek as I refuse to speak, drifting away, too lost in this moment that we have. But, in the aftermath, I laugh aloud as you sleep, wondering aloud why I allowed myself to be so weak. Not caught up in ideas of you or me, too concerned with living out a fantasy that has now ended. And as I question your motives and mine I come to find that you aren't the only one that has lied. I tried to convince my myself that I was the victim, feeding into the lies of you, I have realized that you weren't the only one being untrue. I fell into the role of a girl misused when the truth is that I used you too. There was no trance, nor was I weak. And I definitely was not was naive, just a girl looking to satisfy needs. I fed into your lies only because they were compatable with mine. I played the role you were looking for, the vulnerable girl that longed for more, and you were the nice guy that was sly enough to cross the line.

Self-Love

As time passes me by I realize that I have become to despise the girl I once was. One who relied on every guy that past me by for love that I was not receiving from one man who was not home, long gone. One who barely settled in before he decided to roam. I've learned that one cannot force the love of outside sources and should instead resort to sorting out ways to love one's self. The greatest achievement is self-worth and self-love is golden, a feeling that cannot be stolen or replaced by a superficial love molded from somewhere else. There's no better feeling than to love yourself. The best love comes from inside, love that cannot hide behind any mixed emotions and confused devotions of those that don't really love you. You cannot expect someone project love towards you that you do not reflect inside because you neglect to respect and yourself. Self-love has set me free from the girl I used to be, a girl searching the entire world for the love that continued to flee from a man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, a man that I now refuse to call daddy.

The Reasons Why

Here's A New Post For Those Who Wish To Read
The Reasons Why

It seems like yesterday our relationship was young and new.
I can't believe seven months have past,
there's no one else I'd rather be with than you.
I have never been known to make a relationship work,
and somehow we keep pushing through.
I know people question and doubt the bond that we share,
but when I look back at my past relationships,
nothing else even remotely compares.
I know at times it gets really hard,all I can ask is that we continue to try.
Our relationship has been a success, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One:
To my surprise a relationship arises out of an amazing friendship. People always say the best relationships arise when the two involved are best friends. A smile glued to my face proving that I'm glad I decided to give us a chance.
Reason Two:
Our relationship had its first test. You went away for a while and I was a mess. It was difficult to be a part but somehow we got through. We proved that we were capable of maintaining our relationship even when a part, a big sign of how we'd handle what was to come.
Reason Three:
We breezed through my usual two month relationship curse, letting me know that we were serious about making this work. I can't even remember the last time I was able to deal with one person for longer than 2 months. You let me know that it was possible.
Reason Four:
We hit a rough patch and I wasn't sure if we were gonna make it through. But we came together and worked through our problems, showing that we were not going to give up without a major fight. We proved that we what we really wanted was each other.
Reason Five:
I realize that there is no one else I'd rather be with. Each day I become more and more in love with you and you become more in love with me and there's no other way I'd rather have it. And I know that we will go through plenty more hard times but I know that we are strong enough to make it. Love you <3