It's Complicated...

This is the biggest disaster. Thought I had mastered the art of hidden desires, captured the skill of masking attraction. So then why does this infatuation burn so? Smiles frozen on my face, butterflies settling ever so in place, resting in the pit of my stomach. Heart plummeting further with each day that passes, with every conversation that lasts beyond the break of the sun. Told myself I wouldn't allow myself to run with this, now I'm feeling nothing short of bliss, pissed that I cannot resist. Despite myself, it seems that I'm falling in like....I'm supposed to be on love strike, this isn't what I wanted, too haunted by relationships gone and friendships lost, traumatized by the costs of feelings caught, companionship ruined and once solidified connections, now distraught. But you understand my personality, match my sense of humor perfectly, embrace my awkward sense of beauty, accept the weirdness that is me. Causes my heart to radiate with laughter, but I fear the consequence of this moving any faster. For I am still a wreck, a mess, damaged, distressed. I can't manage the stress that comes with being involved, my heart still dissolved in madness unresolved. Can't rely on you to defy the odds, fix the pieces, rid me of past grievances. I must heal on my own. Too stubborn, stuck on being solo. Lone. Therefore protected from ever being disrespected ever again. Refusing to mend. Isolated from all. But still you continue to crush through this wall, exposing my interior, vulnerability at its best, feeling inferior, my insecurity clinching on for dear life. I fear baring my soul, but you refuse to retreat. I warn you, loving me is no cinching feat.