I Can't Wait To Go Home

I can honestly say that I have never been more excited for Thanksgiving break. Last year I just wanted to go home to get a break from classes, but now I can honestly say that I have so much more to look forward to when I get home.

These are in no particular order:

1. My little sister. I love her to death. I can say that she is truly on of my best friends. She has the ability to make me smile when I'm feeling like complete shit. She is the greatest. I think everyone should take the time to know her because she is pretty freaking awesome. I'm just looking forward to being around her and laughing my ass off.

2. My cousin Robert. He just recently got out of juvenile. I haven't seen him in what seems like years. That is my baby. I mean, when we were younger, we had a really rough relationship. I downright hated his ass. But we have both grown up and learned from our mistakes. Now I'm so excited that he's home and I cannot wait to see him and kick his ass for getting into so much trouble while I was away.

3. My Bestest Kyra. This heffa has been by my side since six grade. Whenever I need someone to talk to, I know that she is the one person that I can call and will be there to lend me her ear. We have always had each other's back. We have been there for each other through the craziest type of shit and I know that's how its always going to be. So i definitely can't wait to get home and clown with my bestest.

4. My Smoochie. I absolutely cannot cannot CANNOT wait to see my honey. He is absolutely amazing. He is a major part of my happiness. I wake up and go to sleep with him on my mind. He is probably the best thing to happen to me. The craziest thing is that he came around when I was least expecting it. And now I can't even begin to understand how I could have known him for so long and not realize that he was the greatest guy in the world. It's funny because he is so opposite from the "typical" type of guy I would date. Normally, I go for the asshole type of guy, the kind that I know is completely wrong for me. The type of guy that makes me cry on a regular basis. Someone that says he cares, but his actions prove otherwise. But not my smoochie. He's probably the nicest guy I've ever dated and surprisingly, I like it. I didn't think it was possible for me to have someone treat me with respect. I can honestly say he cares a lot about me and tries his hardest not to hurt my feelings. And I love him for it. Hell, I just love him because he is him. And I cannot wait to see him again. It has been way to long, and all I want now is a big hug and kiss from my Mr. Sexypants.

Presidential Election

I just wanted to take the time to say that I feel sorry for people who did not vote. I'm proud to say that I voted and my vote made a difference. MY VOTE MAKE HISTORY! My vote put an African-American man in office, a feat that many people thought was impossible. And yet, Americans, especially young people like myself, have proven that anything is possible. So for those who did not take the time to vote because you thought your vote would not count, I'm truly sorry that you felt that way. It must suck to know that you could have been a voice that helped change America, and you opted not to speak. You chose for your voice not to be heard. What I don't understand is why people who choose not to vote say they didn't vote because they didn't think it would matter. You may just be one person, but there are millions who think the same way and that leads to million of votes being lost, which makes a HUGE difference. Votes, or lack their of, do add up you know. I hope that this election makes you realize that one vote can make a difference. Even though Obama won by an electoral vote landslide, that landslide was only made possible because of every ONE person that realized that their vote would make a major difference in this election. So to everyone who decided that their voice was important enough to be heard, I am proud of you all, because our voices put Barack Obama in office :)

Scared of Love

When it comes to love, I think that there are two types of people-people who embrace love, and those who run away from it. I am someone that has learned to embrace it. I realize that there is no need to deny love because you cannot keep it from happening. This time, once I convinced myself to embrace love, love decided that he was not ready to embrace me. I think this has to with the fact that I have been in love before so I know what to expect. The loss of control is a feeling that I have learned to embrace. For me, the constant thoughts and dreams are routine. The aching, yearning feeling to be with someone 24/7 is not foreign to me. I may not like the fact that my emotions are haywire, but I know that the feeling of being in love is better than any other feeling that I have felt. The loss of control becomes worth it once your heart succumbs to sincere love for someone. For a person that is a virgin to being in love, the loss of control process may be too hard to bear. Some ppl are scared to have their heart care for someone else more than they care for themselves. Some ppl. rather be alone than be in love. This is what I think his problem was. He was just not ready to admit that he could possibly fall for me. So he ran away.

Something To Smile About...

It's amazing want one day can do to lift one's spirits. Yesterday was horrible. It was probably one of the worst days that I have experienced in long time. Everything was bothering me. I was stressed beyond belief. Yesterday morning I was a mess. Being so stressed yesterday made me realize that a lot of my stress was being created my being at BC. I made the decision that I just really wanted to be home. So I bought myself a ticket home for thanksgiving. YAY! And now I'm just really excited to go home and see my favorite person---MY LITTLE SISTER!!!!! And the thought of me being at home sooner than I had anticipated made me really really happy. I did not realize how much I missed being at home until I bought the ticket. I am really excited to see my little sister. My spirits have been lifted a little because now I have something to smile about.

Tears

I cannot subside the tears I cry no matter how hard I try. I can't refrain from feeling this pain. Can't put a veil over this well of water that flows down my face, as I have seemed to misplace the happiness that once graced my presence. I can't rid this sense of despair. I can't dare pretend not to care. To afraid to admit that I'm an emotion mess, stressed beyond any breaking point I thought I once possessed.My life's such a drag, bags under my eyes, a red face that cannot lie nor deny that I've been crying. Dying to know why it has to hurt this bad, make me feel this sad. Hard to imagine that something that took so long to make could break so easily. Wanted to have my cake and eat too, now I have neither my cake nor you. Wondering selfishly, why didn't you try harder to make this work with me?! Angrily cursing you out. Tell me why did you have to doubt what we had? Trying so hard not to be mad, but was I really that bad?! While I smiled, glad that I found someone worthwhile, someone that makes me happy, genuinely sappy, thanking God for finally sending me someone that was good to me, you longed for more and left me in misery. It's wrecking me emotionally, but I don't want you to see how much this is damaging me. I wish I could shut down my heart, secretly hoping that these tears I cry would hurry up and dry. But I realize that these tears will not subside no matter how hard I try.

Broken Emotions

Confused, mentally abused as I refuse to believe that this is happening to me. How can this be? I actually started believing that I could be happy. But of course happiness is just a figure of my imagination, an imitating me, giggling and laughing, thrilled that there in no longer a we, only you and I as I cry wondering where is all came from, trying to decide if I'm stupid or just plain dumb not to see this coming, just assuming that everything was fine as you died inside and longed for a way out. Now I doubt if you were ever happy in the first place, fake smile on your face, pretending that everything was okay when it's not. So you finally let it out and my insides experience a drought as every liquid leaks from me in the form of tears,emotions so deep, one would think we were together for years. I grow dreary because I can't seem to understand what seems to have went wrong, even though I act as is I've known it all along, the reality is that it really caught me off guard. I try to be strong, but I can't stop the flood of tears, eyes bloodshot, shearing red. Now I dread even hearing the sound of your voice. I wonder if we could ever be friends again. Instinctively, I say yes, I could pretend that our relationship never started so that our friendship won't end. But then again, It's so damn hard. I can't stand being around something I had but could never have, this is more than the aftermath of a broken fling, a summer thing that blossomed into to something more. This was the makings of something that had been building for years, tiers upon tiers, only to have our building torn apart. Now I'm left with a broken heart and broken emotions and my devotions once again put me to shame and leave me in severe pain.

Infatuation

INFATUATION: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion.

One defines infatuation as unreasoned passion. They fail to describe the true feelings that being infatuated imply. A burning desire, an ignited fire that refuses to die. Emotions floating on high, in a daze, caught in a maze that began with a crush and ends in love.

I feel that being infatuated may be harder to deal with being in love. When one is in love, he or she has already accepted the fact that their heart belongs to someone else. When one is infatuated, he or she has to come to terms with the fact that they are slowly but surely losing control of their emotions. Once control is lost, there is only a matter of time before that person loses ownership of their own heart. And for people like me, who have been hurt plenty of times before, it is very hard to allow someone else to have control of your heart. I can feel myself slowly losing control of my heart and it is very hard for me to come to terms with this. I have willingly given my heart away in the past and in the end I found myself by myself, picking up the pieces. But I will not speak any more on that, I try not to be bitter. But anyways, I made a vow to myself that I would not willingly allow myself to get hurt. Both times that I have allowed infatuation to develop into love, I ended up in tears. Sadly, I have begun to associate love with heartbreak, which leaves me very suspicious about falling in love again. But I know that I cannot allow previous mistakes to keep me away from a possible future of happiness. So, I guess I'm trying to say that I did not think being infatuated would be this difficult. It kind of makes me want to run away. I hate being this vulnerable. I mean, I don't want to seem like I'm running away from love, but maybe I kind of am, because I have experienced much it can hurt. So instead of admitting the fact that I can see myself being in love with someone, I choose not to even think about it. Living day by day as we like to call it. Now, I have this yearning inside that I'm starting to realize that I cannot hide and you can't really keep yourself from being in love because it's really hard to hide how you feel. Damn this infatuation.